Continuing the exploration of the struggle that very hurt people sometimes have in accepting objective commentary on their situation, it is worth noting that very hurt and abused children construct a subjective fantasy world where they are safe. They have to construct a fantasy world to survive – this is where dissociation comes in, which I described in the Chapter on Trauma and Related Topics.
If anything in their fantasy world is challenged it may actually be viewed as a threat to their survival. I believe that refuting what a third party would deem to be logical or reasonable is a mild form of disassociation. As, indeed, is the well-known attribute of the addict – denial.
On a practical level, as adults, it means that if something that we identify clearly as a goal doesn’t work out then we have to admit that we are wrong.
I believe that this is why some people can find an indirect approach, where something is implicit rather than explicit, to be attractive.
Being asked to take responsibility for too much, too quickly, is threatening. And a bit like assertiveness, it is perceived, in respect of the practitioner, that there’s a bit of I’m all right Jack about it
Also, on being asked direct questions to identify needs – for example, on an assessment form – the very hurt person intuits that the practitioner just hasn’t the time to listen – and in a lot of cases it might be true!
I believe that all or nothing thinking (if I can’t have it all I don’t want any of it) that is so harmful to being at our ease in the imperfect world that we inhabit is linked to hurt and feeling misunderstood in childhood.
This is also linked to subjectivity. After all, if an outsider looked objectively at the situation where the person, as we say, threw his toys out of the pram, (i.e. puts his chances of success in jeopardy), the observer would, in the vast majority of cases, see the person’s world completely differently.
But all or nothing thinking is usually the result of an entire childhood observing significant adults in one’s family of origin. I also believe that it results in punishment of self, i.e. depriving oneself of pleasurable feelings such as happiness, joy, calmness, contentment etc.
In many cases it may be self-destructive and perhaps suicide is the ultimate tragedy of all or nothing thinking.