Looking at unhealthy narcissism from a suffering perspective, it can be said that the narcissist is in so much emotional pain that he cannot hold it, so the pain is transferred to others in his environment.
Let me give an example here.
Remember Daddy in the Sub-Chapter on Chaos in the Family? Daddy was wise enough to know that the best course of action was to calm the situation with actions and words that had a soothing effect on the children.
Imagine if Daddy’s default position, under pressure, was unhealthy narcissism?
Then, his needs would have superseded everyone else’s needs and his suffering would have kicked in immediately. Probably without realising it, he would have reacted to the initial simple accident that caused the emotional energy to be raised with words and actions, such as (grandiose) apportioning blame and harshly rebuking the child(ren), inducing fear and anger in everyone in the room, or (vulnerable) still apportioning blame but acting the martyr in a poor-me-look-at-all-I-have-to-put-up-with kind of way, inducing guilt (and possibly even shame) in the children.
He would not have been able to hold his own suffering, and as a result all the children would have suffered. (And learned that this is the way we deal with a little bit of chaos)!
Making everyone else suffer when things go wrong is a continuous uninterrupted process and anyone living with a narcissist will probably experience it regularly.
But – I hear you say – don’t we all live with narcissists?
Even the most superficial examination of the world in which we live will show us how narcissism affects (and always has affected) society in general, filtering down from those in leadership positions, and doing enormous harm, at all levels of society.
(Some reference was made to this in the Chapter on Power and Control in Society).
That is, a critical mass of people in power display the characteristics of grandiose narcissism, initially controlling using unbounded charm, and if that doesn’t work, having a tantrum – which is usually very effective.
And that is the way that grandiose narcissists rule the world. It is as if we are all led and said by some kind of blind obedience and in awe of the power of their charm, shallow thinking and quick-fix promises.
Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, try and control by constantly complaining, which is not at all as effective.
And, perhaps – I’m only speculating here – a critical mass (there’s that term again) of us are vulnerable narcissists who constantly need reassurance and approval from those on high, are happy to allow other people make decisions for us, and are willing to be obedient no matter what we ourselves feel is right (as if we have no other option) but behave in a passive-aggressive way, complaining constantly but feeling powerless to do anything about it.
And, it must be remembered, the most horrific deeds that humans have done (and still do) were/are enabled by unquestioning obedience to grandiose narcissists!
I think that it is safe to say that we all notice that breath-of-fresh-air when someone in a position of power does not display narcissistic tendencies – so inured are we to the behaviours of those who do.
In our work, it is necessary that we community workers and leaders firstly spot the effects of narcissism in people in decision making roles – whether they be in the Pillars, the community/voluntary sector or the private sector – and then do our best to ensure that democratic and fair values, driven by social justice and human rights, prevail when supporting families in the Focus Group.
In Section Five, Practical Applications, (all Chapters) I attempt to throw some light on the how of doing this in our work.