Despite the fact that narcissism can be healthy, it is generally thought to be a negative trait.
There are two types of unhealthy narcissism; vulnerable narcissism and grandiose narcissism both of which are described below.
Vulnerable
If I am a vulnerable narcissist I can often come across as shy and a little withdrawn – always staying in the background. I may often feel insecure and constantly seek reassurance from others that I’m doing okay. In relationships I may be preoccupied with others’ attitude to me and have high expectations which others find difficult to meet. (These could be family, employment, social settings etc.).
I might not feel very confident in myself and am often preoccupied about what my entitlements are and what I am getting or not getting – i.e. sensitive to feeling left out or not getting my fair share. I may blame easily, and/or be dependent on others to cover up my mistakes or failures, and generally feel inadequate in many of my dealings with others.
I might also be quite hard on myself if I fall below perfection, and by extension be hard on others around me.
Sometimes I will get bored in conversation unless it is about me, and will often twist the conversation so that it is. Even though I can be very self-critical, I react badly to criticism – even constructive criticism. My reaction might be to withdraw, and I may believe that I am above criticism. Linked to this is my feeling of being misunderstood and under-appreciated, my achievements not recognised etc.
I may also have a tendency to be passive-aggressive, i.e. I may go along with someone else’s suggestion (but be angry but not say anything) and then go ahead and do the opposite.
Grandiose
If I am a grandiose narcissist I can be charming and all-about-you on first meeting.
I will go to great lengths to be in charge, be superior, and outdo others, but I also need the person I get the better of to admire me greatly. I want to feel special at all costs and in all situations. Very often, the relationship with the person that I get the better of loses its specialness and I move on to conquer someone or something else.
However I find democracy or reciprocity (equal give-take) in relationships very difficult and this quickly seeps through my charming façade. Sometimes I pretend to be democratic because I know that that is what is expected by the world at large – but I default to the familiar under any kind of pressure at all.
In extreme cases I use, abuse, and then throw away, feeling little or no empathy or compassion for the suffering that I might cause those I hurt – because I generally struggle greatly with having empathy anyway.
Above all, I want to be the centre of attention at all times and at a party or event I will feel anxious if I am not – regardless of whether or not it’s my day (or evening). I will always boast about my achievements, exaggerate them, and make sure that everyone knows about them – this is not surprising because my self-esteem is dependent on admiration to the point of flattery.
However, my failures are well hidden – because to accept that I made a mistake would be devastating to me. (Anyway – from my point of view it was probably someone else’s fault)!
I feel that I am entitled to more than anyone else and I find it very difficult to play second fiddle. If I observe someone who is better than me I feel threatened very quickly and will undermine the person’s position so that I will be the best again. Rivals are usually enemies rather than people with whom I might have healthy and invigorating competition. I will often change the goalposts in a verbal spat so that I cannot lose.
If I don’t achieve my goals the reason why is virtually always laid at an external source. I will usually be unaware that the reasons for the failures are contained within my own unrealistic expectation in the first place.
Also, if I admit to having an identifiable problem e.g. addiction, it is common that I will have read so much about it (or absorbed knowledge in other ways) that I will know a lot more about it than anyone who tries to help me.
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Now, if I am a practitioner, it might appear that a person who displays the most extreme grandiose narcissism is beyond hope. The apparent lack of willingness (or ability) to reflect on the consequences of what appears to others to be totally unreasonable behaviour always appears to hinder movement toward a more empathic or reflective outlook.
One of the most debilitating elements (and why healing might be slow) is lack of awareness of the difference between achievable goals and the fantasy of unrealistic expectations.
The general consensus is that they can’t or won’t change – ever.
But, it must be remembered that the narcissist’s world is a very unsafe place, and probably has been from as far back as they can remember – so unsafe that rigid armour has been grown for protection. One of the manifestations of the armour is, of course, the last paragraph in the description above, i.e. the knowing-it-all.
In terms of setting goals in therapy, this has implications for the design of healing strategies with populations that have a high concentration of grandiose narcissists among them.
Sub-Chapter Six; Linking Strategies for Healing, explores what might make it safe for narcissists, both vulnerable and grandiose, to be open.
It is important to remember that because of the root foundations – and in particular relationship – there is always hope.