3.6.7 The Three Elements In The Self

As we have stated many times already, an organisation is merely a collection of individuals.  A large organisation consists of loads of individuals and a small organisation consists of a lesser number of individuals.

It is most important for good teamwork (as well as our own individual work) to be aware of what we contribute to the mix in the collection of individuals in our team.  

We need to be open to the possibility that relationships formed within a team of workers mirror the relationships within the families that we are supporting.

In addition, the team is also a powerful model of what good enough, well-functioning, (though not perfect) relationships can be.

At its best a team can be a model of tolerance, democracy, tenacity, generosity, motivation, passion, forgiveness, good health, resilience, responsibility, commitment, and openness.

Each member has responsibility to contribute to the whole.

(This will be covered in more detail both in the Chapters on Energy in Section Four and Organisational Matters in Section Five of the blog).

Shirley Ward in her book Healing Birth, Healing Earth draws on her own experience as a therapist and many strands of research to stress how inclusion and boundaries are experienced prior to birth, and it makes sense that a baby in the womb can be creative!

And when we are little children we pick up on inclusiveness, creativity, and boundedness very quickly, getting strong messages even before we are able to talk. 

We learn very quickly that a frown or some indication of disapproval, from our parent (or another principal carer as we get a little older) indicates a boundary.  A smile, however, or a warm touch, informs us that we are included. We then learn that we can, in turn, influence our environment and those around us with our facial expressions, body posture and movement. (This two-way knowledge flow is vital for our development and is why I included affect as a root foundation earlier).

In our good enough family, as we grow older, we will be allowed explore the physical world around us and we will notice that we can influence that world, i.e. create. The natural curiosity that all children have enhances creativity as we grow older.

We learn boundaries as we have to get up to go to school, do our homework etc.  As we grow, healthy development will almost always involve us having friends, or feeling included.  Our parents, teachers and other people in authority teach us necessary boundaries.  The healthy adult has a workable balance between all three elements.

In most of us one of them will be dominant – but they are all there at different times if we are willing to look for them.

It is always interesting for us to reflect on how we were introduced to the three elements of the Shamrock, and how we maintain them in our life today.

A good way of doing this is to examine our Core Beliefs. These are important because they lead us to forming values. Values in turn lead us to judge situations, people, events, etc. against what we feel is important to us.

Core beliefs set out the norms by which we live our life.  An interesting aspect of our core beliefs is what our limit is in various situations.  As we go through life we hear/see/read messages that influence us.

If they are delivered by an individual we look up to (e.g. parent, teacher, a sporting hero, a celebrity we admire), they are even more enduring.  They can be considered to maintain a status quo or a comfort zone that we can feel happy to be in.  Eventually the core beliefs become truths, which, when sedimented, become very hard to shift!

Challenging them usually causes us to have an emotional reaction, sometimes this reaction can be quite painful.

The emotional reaction that we have when someone challenges our core beliefs is very often fear.  And this fear may turn to anger if the challenge to the core belief is persisted with by the other.  The fear reduces if the challenger is someone we trust, however.

In the Chapter on Universal Theories Of Change I referred to the necessity for community workers to consider which core beliefs prop up unjust systems that de-power individuals and families.

Some of these could be from educational, religious, or wealthy interests that feel that their system, power, or wealth might be threatened by different, more independent thinking.

Many of these, particularly the religious ones, have been challenged and unpacked at this stage of our development as a country but a strong residue still exists today.  (In fact I’d say that many of our unjust systems are now propped up by wealth interests).

In the Chapter on Power And Control In Society I suggested using knowledge about the nuances of power and control as a gift to ourselves, and in particular when supporting families in our Focus Group, not to rise up against society which would be a different project altogether and which would most certainly not, in my experience, be responding directly to the needs of those who we are committed to helping.

In this, it is most useful for us to examine two things:

1. What core beliefs eroded and gradually took away our power to think as independent human beings,

And – the opposite;

2. What core beliefs assisted us in becoming independent, thinking, adults. 

Also, it might be useful to consider exploring who or what were the strongest influencers in both. A crucial part of this reflection is an estimation of how easy or hard it is to challenge core beliefs that now are harmful to me, but still, for some mysterious reason, linger on. (This is covered in more detail in this post, where I explore how we end up believing myths).

Supervision is usually helpful in such exploration, and is a necessity, not a luxury in our work.

There are many factors in common about growth and development and we can make assumptions about different aspects of same. (For example, the Chapter on Attachment contains many).

However, it is also true that each and every one of us had a unique childhood. Even two children in the same family will have unique experiences. It is important that we take note of this when supporting vulnerable families.

In order to sharpen our perception it is helpful to reflect on our own childhood and teenage years, (and indeed our years as adults also), to see how and where we felt included, that is, felt a genuine sense of belonging where we did not fear judgement, and where we could be ourselves, warts and all – as is said.

Indeed this is the first task of a baby – to make himself included.  If he fails in that task he will not survive.  He needs to bond with an older human being (almost always mother) so that he will be fed, clothed, kept warm, kept from danger, allowed sleep in peace, i.e. have his basic physical needs met so that he can thrive.

Because most of us would deem a baby, just born, to be absolutely and totally dependent, it is interesting to place the responsibility for ensuring initial inclusion on the baby just to see what emotions and thoughts it stirs in us!

Though maybe it’s not that strange. The fictional story of Tarzan, who found apes to care for him has always been popular. And legend has it that the city and then empire of Rome was founded by twins (Romulus and Remus) who, abandoned by their jealous father and left to die, managed to find a she-wolf to feed and protect them. And Moses being found in a basket was an important event in the Old Testament – as he grew up to be a great leader.

These iconic stories – there may be others in different cultures – contain hints that we are aware of the baby’s task in the project of seeking care immediately after being born.

Getting back to our three elements, I believe that the opportunity for the baby to experience boundedness will come almost at the same time as his initial feelings of inclusion, that is, very quickly. Perhaps creativity comes a little later – his tendency to be creative may depend on how healthy his experiences of early inclusion and boundedness have been.

To expand on this – very early on in his life, in a healthy, well-functioning, family situation, as he grows to be a toddler, he succeeds in establishing healthy relationships with his principal carers and begins to feel that he has intrinsic value.  If he is consistently included, and trusts that the feeling of inclusiveness will not be suddenly torn away he is well on the road to finding meaning in a boundary (i.e. it is not the end of the world, or he doesn’t feel he loses if he does not get his own way in something).

He will also begin to trust that if he is creative, takes a risk, (almost all creativity involves taking a risk of sorts) and he makes a mistake, it will not result in him losing the feeling of inclusiveness that is so important.  (We have discussed this already in the Sub-Chapter on Attachment Theory – when we described the secure base).

Like our core beliefs in the previous post, it is recommended that we do some self-reflection on all the above; and where/when/how we felt included.  In this, we can identify situations where we truly felt included as a young child, and try and remember what factors assured us (that is, how did we know, truly), that we were included.

Reflection might also include identification of who were the most significant people in our lives when it came to a boundary?  (That is, what is right or wrong, what is better or worse, what is good or bad etc.).  Was it Mammy or Daddy?  This, in my experience, often throws up surprises.

The reason it might be surprising is that mature reflection, in the presence of a trusted other, often reveals and/or identifies aspects of power that we might have taken for granted or forgotten.  For example, what was it about someone in authority that we permitted them to impose a boundary that was difficult for us to accept?

Was it physical size, threatening demeanour or loud voice? Was it their ability to argue a rationale? Was it our dependence on them? Or was it their strong personality? (How do we recognise a strong personality)?

In terms of creativity, it is always self-affirming to identify a time or times in our lives where we really felt that our potential expanded, where we felt free to play and experiment, that opened our minds and heart to new experiences, and where we felt we could be truly creative.

This might throw up more surprises, as there may have been factors that have been consigned to the wheelie-bins of our memories that were actually very important, and allowed us to be creative in certain situations!