3.5.13 Modalities Of Helping - Conclusion – Invitations to Responsibility

Whatever modality we use in our work, it is vital that firstly it enables us to meet people where they are at and secondly to invite hurt people to take appropriate responsibility [1].

There are people (some of whom are in our Focus Group, and many of whom end up in prison) who, for a variety of reasons, struggle with taking any responsibility at all for their behaviour. Then there are others who take too much responsibility, that is, responsibility for their own behaviour and also for the behaviour of those members of their families who are irresponsible.

(As an aside, there is a Chapter on Training later where I propose training methods and support that I feel would be helpful in encouraging people who wish to take on some responsibility not to take on too much responsibility).

Philosophers have proposed that a felt sense of responsibility is so vital to our existence that if we are irresponsible we feel a vacuum in our lives that we are constantly seeking to fill.  This makes sense when we think a little about it.  The world would not be what it is today if the vast majority of us tended towards lazy irresponsibility [2].

We would never take the trouble to do really challenging things like rearing children, reach out with compassion to help our fellow humans, be tenacious when we are frustrated or angry, care for those of us who are ill or elderly, get up in the morning and go out and make a living, or make our lives better with great technological achievements.

In fact I believe that tendency towards responsibility was part and parcel of the evolution of our brains to what they are today – and we could not have developed the cognitive abilities without the accompanying felt sense of responsibility, and the sense of satisfaction, or emotional well-being that being responsible brings with it.

[1]. I borrow this idea from Alan Jenkins’ book Invitations to Responsibility which I read many years ago.

[2]. In his book Existential Psychotherapy Irvin D. Yalom proposes that responsibility is an existential given.  That is, it is a vital (i.e. living) part of being human and, like birth or death, cannot be denied. For anyone interested, existential psychotherapy is briefly described here.

Neglect, trauma or abuse in our formative years will inhibit our development at all levels, but particularly in the realm of responsibility.

This happens because – as I referred to above in the post on Assertiveness and the Very Hurt Person – it is too dangerous for us as children to take the risk of making mistakes and/or assertively ask for our needs.

Learning responsibility involves taking risks.  And the price paid for not learning to take responsibility is considerable.  When we do not feel responsible we do not feel fully grown up emotionally, even though we may be grown-up physically and mentally.

Lack of emotional growth causes sedimentation of core beliefs that are unfavourable to our healthy development, central to which are lack of confidence and even lack of respect for self.  When we do not measure up to our own expectations of ourselves as humans we suffer deep existential angst.

Our inability to fill the responsibility vacuum is so intense that it causes us acute pain.  We ease this pain using substances that we ingest into our bodies which dulls our awareness of the emotional pain.  Such substances, of course, cause us further pain which we also have to ease, sliding into a downward spiral of low self-esteem and self-worth.

Because we are human, however, underneath all this pain and irresponsibility we actually yearn to be responsible but are restrained by the core beliefs which have been laid down at such a very young age (and bolstered throughout formative years). Alan Jenkins’ book, Invitations To Responsibility, referenced in the previous post, (footnote [1]), gives a very good account of this process.

And if we are addicts we most likely started out on the road to addiction in our teens – a time of our lives when there is a societal expectation to grow up and be responsible.

It is in the light of these realities that we select our most appropriate modality.

Meeting people who they are, and allowing their intelligence, innate creativity and wisdom to flower in a safe and trusting environment, where they can take emotional risks, will be very invitational in respect of their natural human tendency towards responsibility. 

And anyway, responsibility will happen because of the work being done by the root foundations described in the Chapter on Universal Theories.

And part of our success as practitioners will come from the fact that we are some way impacted by the work as I described half way down this post – Secondly. I believe that the best results follow from us being impacted but not too impacted – and the modality must allow for that too.

None of us practitioners like to see others suffering – it causes us discomfort and probably touches into our own suffering.  But if we couldn’t handle it we’d be in other jobs.

So our modality will also need to be one that encourages people to look (generally) forward.  While, of course, looking back is important, it can be that too much looking back dampens hope – a very important component of healing emotional pain.

Hope also enables responsibility – it precedes the confidence that gives us the courage to take the risk. And as we said above, part of the development of responsibility involves risk-taking.

Whether they are conscious or unconscious, memories of unhappiness are very real but can be an unnecessary burden that serves merely to trap the individual into thinking that there is no hope.

The skilled practitioner will balance the looking-back and looking-forward in the very hurt person so that one does not dominate the other to the detriment of growth!

I hope that the previous Chapters on Cause and Effect, Systems Theory, the proposal of a Universal Theory of Change and the descriptions of Trauma and Related Topics teed you up for this rather long Chapter on Modalities, that is, the way things are done.

Just as an aside – I have always found it interesting that many prophets, in many religions, (including Jesus Christ) found meaning in their lives by hanging around with nonconformists, people who were awkward, that no one else wanted, indeed, people who most people would have deemed to have nothing to offer. In Jesus’ case there came a time when he realised that he had a gift for reaching people, and making a connection with those who are always ignored, banished or abandoned, disadvantaged as we’d say nowadays. 

I can be critical of the vagueness of some of the messages of the Gospels but, on the other hand, I appreciate that the New Testament is not a self-help book.

Rather the parables, stories, messages etc. invite people to look at life and make up their own minds. And while I’m not sure what modality the writers of the Gospels had in mind; invitation has a definite person-centred feel to it.

In the area of inter-generational addiction and all that goes with it, inviting people to be responsible will probably be a slow process and because of that support agencies that aim to make a difference need to be committed to the process for the long haul – perhaps 1 or 2 generations. I (and I’m pretty sure, most practitioners) know people who have dipped in and out of various short support type courses but whose circumstances are not now much better than they were when they had no support at all.

The realisation of how high a level of suffering that families affected by imprisonment go through will, as well as selection of modality, influence the length of time that is needed for healing. In the Chapter on Chaos, Critical Mass and Fractals we will learn that, in respect of change, it is the continual exposure over a long time that is important – not the single dramatic event [1].

One of the most harmful things for children growing up in families affected by the chaos of addiction, emotional abuse and neglect in their formative years is the constant uncertainty.

In fact, as I mentioned already, certainty and consistency, experienced through love and nurture at that time of their lives gives them the skills to embrace the inevitable uncertainty that comes with adulthood, (e.g. in relationships, employment, unexpected and chaotic events), accepting (and even using) that uncertainty rather than trying to continually eliminate it.

If, at least, the helping agency is consistent in its approach (modality) and is present over a long time then that is a good start for all members of the families but particularly children.

Finally, even though I am enthusiastic about honouring the right brain it is my intention that this website will also honour the left brain, logical part of us.

With that in mind I now move onto a Chapter entitled the Family Support Shamrock which proposes a framework upon which the root foundations will thrive.

[1]. And the opposite is also, probably true.  It is the continual exposure (over many years of their childhood) to neglect, emotional abuse, danger and sometimes life-threatening situations etc. that impacts on the child, not a single traumatic event.

I received the few lines below from a student on a Family Support Course in Bedford Row – I do not know the origins of it – and neither did he. If anyone does, let me know!

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When I ask you to listen to me, and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me, and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me, and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange, as that may seem.

All I ask is that you listen. Don’t talk or do – just hear me.  And I can do for myself; I am not helpless. Maybe I am discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.  But when you accept as a simple fact, that I feel what I feel, no matter how irrational; then I can stop trying to convince you, and get about this business of what’s behind this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.  Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

Maybe that’s why prayer works for some people.  God is mute, and he doesn’t give advice or try to fix things.  God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.

So please listen, and just hear me.

And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn – and I will listen to you.                                                                                                                                                                                           (Author Unknown)