3.4.5 Narcissism

I’m always a bit sceptical of things that become very popular very quickly and some years ago the term narcissism began to come into fashion for describing difficult, oppositional or unreflective type behaviour that always seems to be in denial of its consequences.

And the term narcissist came into vogue to describe a person who, more often than not, blamed others for personal difficulties no matter how overwhelming the evidence was to the contrary.

However despite my scepticism I think that narcissism is worth a mention because (in its unhealthy manifestation):

1. It arises from growing rigid, brittle armour as a result of childhood experience of trauma.

2. Different types of narcissism are linked to early attachment styles.

3. It contains within it elements of dissociation in that: a): It appears to enable the person to change his personality to suit the environment in a way that can be harmful to both himself and others in his life and b): It enables a person, in one situation, to be oblivious to (or forget) commitments given, statements made etc. in another situation.

4. People that have obvious narcissistic tendencies always seem to be yearning for a different kind of life but struggle in attaining it because they don’t seem to be aware enough to know that it is they that need to change.

5. I have observed that the deep hurt that many people (though not all) who experience prison carry lean towards such tendencies.

6. In healing the deep wounds that are at the root of narcissism, the mix of non-formal and formal therapeutic support seems to score quite high.

I haven’t much knowledge of Greek mythology but I know that the word narcissism comes from the Myth of Narcissus.  Like all ancient stories and legends there can be a few versions.  The one that I like the best goes as follows:

Narcissus, being much loved by Apollo, had a very high opinion of himself.  One day he came across a lake and he decided to drink some water.  He leaned over and in the stillness of the pond he saw his own image looking back at him.  He was so enchanted by his own beauty that he leaned over farther to embrace himself, and then fell in and (like Icarus in a previous Chapter, who got a bit above his station), drowned.

The moral of the story is that if we admire ourselves too much, or have too high an opinion of ourselves, we may come to a sad end.  (Perhaps Icarus was a narcissist too)!

But before we describe unhealthy narcissism I will describe the healthy version – which is, like secure attachment, described previously, what we are aiming for in our work with very hurt people in our Focus Group.

Healthy narcissism can be described as having a good, positive opinion of oneself, in whatever trait one wishes to display to the world.

For example if I am a singer, and I’m good, and I know I’m good, I can promote myself, let other people see how good I am, impress others with my excellence and show off a bit, and (hopefully) even make a living from it.

Healthy narcissism is usually associated with people in the public eye, such as comedians, sportspeople, singers, writers, artists, actors, or perhaps politicians or leaders – but of course we don’t have to be artists or celebrities to have healthy narcissism – it can be in anyone in any area of life, really.

The hallmark of healthy narcissism is that while I am aware of, and proud of my own expertise, achievements etc. I also have good will and feel positively about others’ achievements – even though they may be rivals!  I may envy them but I am not jealous or mean-spirited.  In fact, I am aware enough to know that I can learn a lot from others and am generous in offering help if they want to learn from me, i.e. embracing two way knowledge flow.

We all like approval from our fellow humans, and if we have healthy narcissism we are proportional in seeking approval – i.e. we don’t betray our own values and please people just for their approval.

Healthy narcissism helps us to have a sense of power and feel-good in our chosen activity or profession, and keeps our morale, self-esteem and confidence high when (from time to time) things go against us – as they inevitably will.  An important element is knowledge of our limitations, and, when we need help with something, to be able to ask for it respectfully.

In relationships (whether the relationship is within a family, long-life partners/spouses, employee/work, or a social setting), people who have healthy narcissism know themselves well, are aware that their values are theirs, and are confident in expressing their opinions on their values.  They are also open to change on hearing new information and don’t see themselves as failures if their argument doesn’t prevail.

I described the human need to be a care-giver as well as a care-seeker already.  Healthy narcissism ensures that there is a good balance of this in the self, and the knowledge, awareness of this balance, and appropriateness of responses assists in sustaining long term, democratic relationships.

The word aggression can sometimes have negative connotations – but without aggression we wouldn’t survive.

When we are mature adults, I believe that healthy narcissism enables us aggress our environment respectfully.  That is, to seek out what we want and need with energy and commitment using our innate talents to their optimum.  We know when we are in a state of healthy aggression when we are a little nervous but still excited.  For example that feeling we have prior to doing an exam, playing a match, going for an interview, doing the driving test, or some other significant trial of our abilities and skills – but with an inner belief or confidence that we will prevail, and if we don’t – it won’t be the end of the world.

So, on balance, healthy narcissism is good for us!

Despite the fact that narcissism can be healthy, it is generally thought to be a negative trait.

There are two types of unhealthy narcissism; vulnerable narcissism and grandiose narcissism both of which are described below.

Vulnerable

If I am a vulnerable narcissist I can often come across as shy and a little withdrawn – always staying in the background.  I may often feel insecure and constantly seek reassurance from others that I’m doing okay. In relationships I may be preoccupied with others’ attitude to me and have high expectations which others find difficult to meet. (These could be family, employment, social settings etc.).

I might not feel very confident in myself and am often preoccupied about what my entitlements are and what I am getting or not getting – i.e. sensitive to feeling left out or not getting my fair share.  I may blame easily, and/or be dependent on others to cover up my mistakes or failures, and generally feel inadequate in many of my dealings with others.

I might also be quite hard on myself if I fall below perfection, and by extension be hard on others around me. 

Sometimes I will get bored in conversation unless it is about me, and will often twist the conversation so that it is.  Even though I can be very self-critical, I react badly to criticism – even constructive criticism.  My reaction might be to withdraw, and I may believe that I am above criticism. Linked to this is my feeling of being misunderstood and under-appreciated, my achievements not recognised etc.

I may also have a tendency to be passive-aggressive, i.e. I may go along with someone else’s suggestion (but be angry but not say anything) and then go ahead and do the opposite.

Grandiose

If I am a grandiose narcissist I can be charming and all-about-you on first meeting.

I will go to great lengths to be in charge, be superior, and outdo others, but I also need the person I get the better of to admire me greatly.  I want to feel special at all costs and in all situations.  Very often, the relationship with the person that I get the better of loses its specialness and I move on to conquer someone or something else.

However I find democracy or reciprocity (equal give-take) in relationships very difficult and this quickly seeps through my charming façade.  Sometimes I pretend to be democratic because I know that that is what is expected by the world at large – but I default to the familiar under any kind of pressure at all.

In extreme cases I use, abuse, and then throw away, feeling little or no empathy or compassion for the suffering that I might cause those I hurt – because I generally struggle greatly with having empathy anyway.

Above all, I want to be the centre of attention at all times and at a party or event I will feel anxious if I am not – regardless of whether or not it’s my day (or evening).  I will always boast about my achievements, exaggerate them, and make sure that everyone knows about them – this is not surprising because my self-esteem is dependent on admiration to the point of flattery.

However, my failures are well hidden – because to accept that I made a mistake would be devastating to me.  (Anyway – from my point of view it was probably someone else’s fault)!

I feel that I am entitled to more than anyone else and I find it very difficult to play second fiddle.  If I observe someone who is better than me I feel threatened very quickly and will undermine the person’s position so that I will be the best again.  Rivals are usually enemies rather than people with whom I might have healthy and invigorating competition.  I will often change the goalposts in a verbal spat so that I cannot lose.

If I don’t achieve my goals the reason why is virtually always laid at an external source.  I will usually be unaware that the reasons for the failures are contained within my own unrealistic expectation in the first place.

Also, if I admit to having an identifiable problem e.g. addiction, it is common that I will have read so much about it (or absorbed knowledge in other ways) that I will know a lot more about it than anyone who tries to help me.

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Now, if I am a practitioner, it might appear that a person who displays the most extreme grandiose narcissism is beyond hope. The apparent lack of willingness (or ability) to reflect on the consequences of what appears to others to be totally unreasonable behaviour always appears to hinder movement toward a more empathic or reflective outlook.

One of the most debilitating elements (and why healing might be slow) is lack of awareness of the difference between achievable goals and the fantasy of unrealistic expectations.

The general consensus is that they can’t or won’t change – ever.

But, it must be remembered that the narcissist’s world is a very unsafe place, and probably has been from as far back as they can remember – so unsafe that rigid armour has been grown for protection. One of the manifestations of the armour is, of course, the last paragraph in the description above, i.e. the knowing-it-all.

In terms of setting goals in therapy, this has implications for the design of healing strategies with populations that have a high concentration of grandiose narcissists among them.

Sub-Chapter Six; Linking Strategies for Healing, explores what might make it safe for narcissists, both vulnerable and grandiose, to be open.

It is important to remember that because of the root foundations – and in particular relationship – there is always hope.

Looking at unhealthy narcissism from a suffering perspective, it can be said that the narcissist is in so much emotional pain that he cannot hold it, so the pain is transferred to others in his environment.

Let me give an example here.

Remember Daddy in the Sub-Chapter on Chaos in the Family? Daddy was wise enough to know that the best course of action was to calm the situation with actions and words that had a soothing effect on the children.

Imagine if Daddy’s default position, under pressure, was unhealthy narcissism?

Then, his needs would have superseded everyone else’s needs and his suffering would have kicked in immediately. Probably without realising it, he would have reacted to the initial simple accident that caused the emotional energy to be raised with words and actions, such as (grandiose) apportioning blame and harshly rebuking the child(ren), inducing fear and anger in everyone in the room, or (vulnerable) still apportioning blame but acting the martyr in a poor-me-look-at-all-I-have-to-put-up-with kind of way, inducing guilt (and possibly even shame) in the children.

He would not have been able to hold his own suffering, and as a result all the children would have suffered. (And learned that this is the way we deal with a little bit of chaos)!

Making everyone else suffer when things go wrong is a continuous uninterrupted process and anyone living with a narcissist will probably experience it regularly.

But – I hear you say – don’t we all live with narcissists? 

Even the most superficial examination of the world in which we live will show us how narcissism affects (and always has affected) society in general, filtering down from those in leadership positions, and doing enormous harm, at all levels of society.

(Some reference was made to this in the Chapter on Power and Control in Society). 

That is, a critical mass of people in power display the characteristics of grandiose narcissism, initially controlling using unbounded charm, and if that doesn’t work, having a tantrum – which is usually very effective.

And that is the way that grandiose narcissists rule the world. It is as if we are all led and said by some kind of blind obedience and in awe of the power of their charm, shallow thinking and quick-fix promises.

Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, try and control by constantly complaining, which is not at all as effective.

And, perhaps – I’m only speculating here – a critical mass (there’s that term again) of us are vulnerable narcissists who constantly need reassurance and approval from those on high, are happy to allow other people make decisions for us, and are willing to be obedient no matter what we ourselves feel is right (as if we have no other option) but behave in a passive-aggressive way, complaining constantly but feeling powerless to do anything about it.

And, it must be remembered, the most horrific deeds that humans have done (and still do) were/are enabled by unquestioning obedience to grandiose narcissists!

I think that it is safe to say that we all notice that breath-of-fresh-air when someone in a position of power does not display narcissistic tendencies – so inured are we to the behaviours of those who do.

In our work, it is necessary that we community workers and leaders firstly spot the effects of narcissism in people in decision making roles – whether they be in the Pillars, the community/voluntary sector or the private sector – and then do our best to ensure that democratic and fair values, driven by social justice and human rights, prevail when supporting families in the Focus Group.

In Section Five, Practical Applications, (all Chapters) I attempt to throw some light on the how of doing this in our work.