3.3.5 Identity - Emotional Gravity

All the root foundations of growth are of vital importance, but I will focus on one here because I believe that it can often be, maybe not ignored, but certainly not given the attention that I feel it deserves in family support in general and in particular in strategies to assist families in the Focus Group.

That is, identity.

Even outside of family support, I note that in the past decade or so, in our school curricula, history and geography – both of which are important in respect of children developing a sense of identity – are being seen to be of lesser importance than scientific or technological subjects. This downgrading is a retrograde step and (I believe anyway) is linked to the increasing power of the corporate world in education. I said more about this, in particular point no. 7 in this post.

I imagine identity to be the glue that holds all the emotional bits of us in place, like physical gravity keeps everything on Earth in place.

Our experience of gravity is (borrowing a term from electronics) hardwired into our brain. I read somewhere once that infants of a few weeks old are surprised when an object is artificially made to fall up.

I would like to propose that our awareness of (and practical understanding of) gravity has significant applications in designing interventions to work with distressed families. 

It is no co-incidence that many endeavours that have as their aim the development and/or growth of people in distress such as therapy groups, AA meetings, Grow Groups etc. begin with a grounding exercise.  This is to encourage people to attend to their emotional selves, leave the troubles and worries of the world outside, and focus on the here and now.

This exercise usually involves asking participants to put their two feet on the ground and become aware of their breathing.  Putting our two feet on the ground gives us a connection to the centre of the Earth. It also reminds us that we are of the Earth. That is, all the minerals that abound in the oceans, land and air are in our bodies too. Grounding is the beginning of being calm and attentive. Attending to breathing enables people to focus on the here and now. Being conscious that we are of the Earth assists us in becoming aware of who and what we are, and whence we came.

Therapists will frequently encourage clients who live or work in stressful situations and who often present as panicky and/or unsure of themselves to ground themselves during decision making processes in their day-to-day lives.

In the next post we will consider gravity when it applies to our emotional selves.

I propose that in our social/cultural conditioning, the gravity of emotional stability is provided by mutual nurture. That is, the experience of caring for others and being cared for. (I will return to the importance of mutual nurture in our evolution in the Chapter on Attachment and also in the Chapter on Anthropology).

We are emotionally drawn towards mutual nurture just like we are physically drawn to planet Earth, i.e. grounded, by physical gravity.  In its most positive manifestation our tendency towards mutual nurture is the root of compassion, empathy, generosity, care-giving and our concern for others, that is a universal facet of the human experience. Most importantly, it gives us a feeling of well-being, sense of belonging in a greater order, and security. It follows that its absence leads potentially to lack of grounded-ness as well as uncertainty.

Identity is, I believe, the most obvious and immediate manifestation of emotional gravity.  And people will give up a lot, even freedom, for identity. For example, one of the reasons why we Irish looked to the Pope for leadership was that it gave us a separate identity to that of the English.

One factor that enhances children’s sense of emotional stability is their sense of history – in particular their immediate history, i.e. parents, grandparents, siblings, and extended family. This gives children an identity, belonging, and attachment to something close to them in the great ocean of humanity which is often an uncertain environment. (The well-known film, Philomena, explores the link between mutual-nurture and identity very well, and also the angst that arises from lack of same).

It might be helpful here to refer to new developments in our understanding of gravity which has changed significantly over the past century.

That with which we are most familiar, and which is observable to us in our day to day lives, (e.g. the apple falling on Isaac Newton’s head) has been superseded by the general theory of relativity that Albert Einstein proposed in 1915.  This is an intricate area of study – best of luck – but from our point of view it is enough to say that Einstein’s theory suggested that gravity was not constant in the Universe (as Newton and scientists of his day had thought) but changed over space-time.

What I refer to above as emotional gravity is not an unchanging constant either, but rather a variable (constantly changing) entity that is analogous to Einstein’s description of gravity. I propose that emotional gravity changes over time from minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day etc. and over space, our environment, stretching from that which is at closest proximity, relationally and physically, to the farthest away point that we can imagine.  (We can say that emotional gravity changes temporally and spatially).

For instance, if I fall in love with another person, and, perhaps, have a child or children (or don’t have a child or children) – once again, as we say, start a family – the centre from which I sustain myself changes, (gradually, of course) from my mother, father and siblings (my family of origin) to my new family; i.e. my partner/spouse and, if we have any, my child or children. That is, my emotional centre of gravity (i.e. my centre of mutual nurture) changes from my family of origin to my new family.

In the good enough scenario two people who are secure in their identity meet and in time a new identity emerges where the best of the old is grafted on to form the new one.  (This, of course, is also emergence in practice). So it is normal – and healthy – that, over time, my identity will be defined more by being in my new family than in my old.

Of course, emotions are complex and enduring phenomena, so my emotional centre of gravity might take a while to move.  It may be that my family of origin will be important to me for a long time and the change will be very gradual.

That is, my need for my own identity might be so strong that it eventually bubbles through, though when I fell in love at first, I may have – almost always unconsciously – hidden certain parts of myself and projected a false self to make myself as attractive as possible to the other. Then, when my real-self bubbles through, if my identity is insecure, I might feel threatened by the behaviours and norms that are different from those in my family of origin, and rather than make a mature decision as to whether or not they are beneficial or useful in the new relationship, I reject them because they are not mine.

On the other hand, if I have secure identity, it is a lot easier to make the decision as to what or what not to adopt.

The relevance of this to family support is that it is helpful to be aware of changes in what I will call the emotional gravitational field of people in distress in different settings and/or at different times when designing effective responses.

One way of exploring the phenomenon of emotional gravity is to compare how we feel when ten thousand people die in a war or a famine half a world away with how we feel if one close friend or relative dies – space – or how we feel about the death of our great-great-grandparent to the death of our parent – time.

In terms of what are important to us emotionally and what we gravitate to (and getting away from family, because not all of us will choose to start a family), there are almost always other attractions in our emotional gravitational field such as our job, our friends, clubs, neighbours, activities, etc. all of which ensure the varying of both the centre of our emotional gravity, and how we experience it through space-time. What we are drawn to contributes to our identity – i.e. who I am as defined by me.

All those in our emotional gravitational field, to whom we are attracted, satisfy different (emotional) needs at different times of our life and the ones that we chose to be closest to in space will usually have the strongest influence – often unbeknownst to us. The amount of influence that we assign to one or others is also influential in our social/cultural conditioning, and, perhaps, determines changes in our identity over time.

This, of course, tallies with Systems Theory which we have discussed at some length in the last Chapter.

There are a number of aspects of identity that I feel are worth mentioning.  For example:

1. Think of all the songs that there are about homecoming, our home place, nostalgia for our imagined perfect past.  These are often inspired by a need for identity.

2. I believe that if we are secure in our identity we won’t fear modifying our culture in relationship to accommodate difference.  This happens all the time in our lives in different ways.

3. Our obsession with religion, tribalism, nationalism, us and them is connected to our identity. In forming an identity, symbols (flags, mottos, statues, nicknames, anthems, language, music, clothes, badges, uniforms etc.) are important.  If we are secure in our identity our relationships with all the above will be in an ‘at ease, natural’ kind of way. If not our relationship with them may be far more intense as the symbols, rather than some inner felt sense of secure identity, define who we actually are. (Which is why, for example, deeply insecure totalitarian regimes are obsessed with frequent and over-the-top displays of symbols).

4. And following on from 3, insecure identity has been exploited by despots and amoral war-mongers to stir up populations against an enemy who is deemed to be defined by evil deeds, i.e. portrayed as having an evil identity, a danger to us.

5. Sport is, of course, generally seen as a healthy way of expressing our identity and being proud of whom we are, whether it is club, county, province, or country. Sporting identity can also be, of course, harmful and extreme, or a vehicle to display hatred towards the other side.

6. Some angst, sadness and often distress that adopted and fostered children feel may be to do with confusion (mostly unconscious) around identity.  Adoptive and foster parents have a very special and unique role in affording a child extra space-time to work through the emotions that may arise around identity.  Such parents need courage, patience and support in their honouring of this.

7. I believe that the fear of the stranger that is common in humanity and that is manifest in racism probably arises from insecure identity, where someone fears that his identity (or how he defines himself) will be threatened by a strange and/or unknown culture that is unfamiliar. I believe that someone with secure identity will be less fearful of the stranger.

I once heard (or read) the expression ‘identity is a coat we can’t take off’.  I can’t remember where I heard it (or read it) but I liked it!

In 3.3.5.3 and 3.3.5.4 I explored aspects of identity that I feel are important in our work supporting families in the Focus Group.

I now invite you to do an exercise in identity.  Be as honest as you can – there is no need for anyone else to see the answers unless you choose to show them.

1. See what things define you and give you your distinct identity.  That is, what do you hang your identity on? Use the 4 ‘W’s. Who do you think you are? What are your principal characteristics, or distinguishing features? Where do you mostly identify with? When were you born, and has the era you are growing up (or grew up) in some significance for you?

2. Try and determine how strong your need for identity is.  Do you need to be distinct, or different to others?  (People might have different feelings about this).

3. If your identity is strong you’ll probably be okay with criticising things that are close to you.  Can you do that easily or does the criticism (of, for example, your family of origin) stick in your craw a little?

4. What are the benefits of you having an identity?  What does it mean to you?  How would you feel if it was really threatened?

And finally

5. Try and imagine yourself living in a poverty-stricken country experiencing drought and food shortages where you had to walk for over an hour to get drinking water every day.

Would identity be important?