In the previous post I referred to good enough emotional intelligence. I propose that it is as essential, (thereby offering a better chance for long-term change – and, over time, saving a lot of energy), when protecting children, to attend to the emotional health of a parent/carer as it is to attend to the emotional health of a child.
The reasons that I state this are twofold.
~ Firstly the parents are in charge!
~ The second (and more subtle) reason, is that often, when someone changes for the better in a family, there may be an unconscious negative reaction from other family members to the change.
As we grow, the more difficult it is to view change, even change for the better, in an enthusiastic manner. This might not always be the case, and there will, of course, be exceptions, but I believe that it is common enough to be worthy of consideration here.
Most families affected by imprisonment are also affected by addiction, where I believe reluctance to what most outside observers would consider change for the better is particularly prevalent.
Most of this perceived reluctance is due to energy factors. To live one’s life in a different way, i.e. taking the road less travelled, requires a lot of energy (particularly at the start of the journey) so there is a natural in-built resistance to it.
Getting back to change for the better, if a troublesome child in a family affected by addiction begins behaving well, the initial relief may be countered by an unconscious negative reaction among other members of the family, as all will need to take up new roles to readjust to the new situation.
For instance the caretaker who took care of everyone else may miss the role and feel undervalued or unwanted and become troublesome. The achiever, or hero who the family could always depend on to bring pride may be envious and begin failing in school. The older the children, the more sedimented, or firmly established these roles are, and the more difficult the adjustments will be. (Once again I refer to the book – Children Under The Influence, by Michael Hardiman). [1]
Indeed (and, from the practitioner’s point of view this is the tricky bit) the parent/carer(s) themselves, despite consciously desiring a better behaved child, may have an unconscious need to have crisis in their lives so when the troublesome child is behaving well this need will be transferred onto another child, or back onto the previously troublesome child in a different guise.
However if parents/carers, particularly young parents/carers with young children, change for the better with respect to their emotional responsibilities, the young children will react positively and enthusiastically to the new situation.
The children’s need to simply enjoy their childhood will far exceed other unconscious needs to take on particular roles, mentioned above, that might manifest in adults and/or older siblings. They will be released from the prison of having to be something that they are not and rather than playing a role that evolves as a result of their parents’ (possible) distress, they will thrive and grow by just being themselves.
The emotional health of the adult is the most important factor in ensuring that a child in his/her care will thrive physically, mentally emotionally, and, most importantly, relationally.
The carers’ wealth, or their level of education, or their physical strength, or their academic/sporting achievements, or their membership of an exclusive club, or their adherence to a creed or belief, etc. is of little value if they do not possess good enough emotional intelligence.
[1]. Apart from Michael Hardiman’s book referred to above, if you are interested, look up (widely available) material about how, in families that are affected by addiction, children take up different roles, e.g. scapegoat, lost child, clown, caretaker, achiever etc.