One of our earliest and most fundamental needs is to have a sense of belonging.
From my experience over many years I believe that much involvement in crime etc. stems from the need to belong being met in a way that is unhealthy, and harmful to people involved in crime themselves, to their families, and, of course, to wider society.
(Just as an aside, I also acknowledge that there may be some people who don’t need to have a sense of belonging in a greater human entity and are at one with their aloneness. See also the Sub-Chapter on attachment styles).
But for those of us who do need to have a sense of belonging, I will state that it is fostered in our good enough family from the day we are born – or actually from when we are conceived – if we think about it deeply!
We know from systems theory that if we want to effect change in people we need to include them, and, more importantly, they need to feel included.
Good work will never be done at a distance, and often, if I don’t feel a sense of inclusion I will drift away – even in cases where the organisation from which I seek help is staffed by highly professional practitioners who are really good at their job.
Now the principal reason why we might end up in prison is that, for one reason or another, we continuously struggle to accept behavioural boundaries that are the norm in mainstream society. For those of us who don’t go to prison, (or haven’t gone yet) adherence to these behavioural boundaries ensures we are included in whatever we feel will be of benefit to us. (In particular our family and mainstream school, but also groups such as sports clubs, friends, music, groups, teams of one type or another etc.)
Remember the example of the child where we described the mysterious emotional pain? It is not easy to diagnose, or prescribe a cure for it – it just is.
In the context of this Chapter the most important thing to remember is that, as a child, my experience of this mysterious pain, day in day out, year in year out, may get in the way of accepting the behavioural boundaries mentioned above.
This, of course, is detrimental to my long-term, consistent inclusion in groups that would benefit me and contribute to my normal development. Avoidance of common-sense boundaries, the accepting of which seems relatively easy for other children, then becomes a pattern that I grow accustomed to, believing that they apply to others but not to me (Perhaps it is the case that continual internal reinforcement of applies-to-others-but-not-to-me messages leads to narcissism – particularly of the grandiose type – in adult life).
But the desire to feel included in something is so strong, particularly in my formative years, that I will endure a lot – sometimes coercion and even bullying that is harsh and demeaning – just to be included.