In most modalities of helping, generally speaking, when someone looks for help, the practitioner will deem himself to be responsible for (metaphorically) carrying the person and holding his suffering. This is usually for a limited time until the person can hold his own suffering.
In a way this is borrowed from the world of medicine where the patient hands over complete control for the alleviation of his physical pain to the medical staff treating him. (One could say that the doctor or nurse temporarily holds the pain of the patient – like the minor operation I described previously).
It is also like good enough parenting, as parents hold the suffering of their children if they have to deal with some difficult experience. Teachers will also do it in schools.
For all holistic practitioners, however, it is worth pondering on who is supporting who. When we claim that we are supporting people, or holding their suffering, how do we know that they are not supporting us? Or holding our suffering?
I am sure that people who are hurt and in distress, (mostly unconsciously – but sometimes consciously), protect the person offering help. They sense intuitively what the person can and cannot handle, just like children learn what parents can handle. I certainly have had experiences of my suffering being held by people who I was journeying with.
I have a memory of a very funny episode, having an argument with a young man from the travelling community. He was calmly convincing me that I was angry with him when I was claiming that I was not. He was right!
So I believe that when we think that people are a burden (or that we support or metaphorically carry them – particularly if it is over a long time) we should be open to thinking that something is getting in the way of us enjoying our work. (This is particularly true if we are committed to sharing power).
In our two-way knowledge flow (particularly in the emotional or spiritual dimensions) there is every possibility that there is some reciprocity in the holding of suffering.
And, of course, it is well known that people get into the world of helping others to help themselves.
I reach into my experience again to illustrate this point. One night working on the street a young teenager put it to me that we, the professionals, are also being supported by the community – in that they are providing us with the opportunity to have a job that we like.
I am grateful to the young man for his perception and his frankness – and I will refer to this kind of perceptiveness again in the Chapter on Cultural Matching.