I started off this Chapter explaining that the word modality means the way that things are done.
Now for me, to do or not to do that is the question. (Because when I stop do-ing, I might experiment around with be-ing). (The book, To Have or To Be by Erich Fromm is an interesting – and challenging – read for people like me who like to do things all the time).
There are many people who do very little and will just be. (I refer to the Gospel again here; and the inspiring story of Mary and Martha – though Jesus does use a little comparison to make a point)!
Before we decide the how, i.e. the way that things should be done we need to ensure that we know the way that things are. The best way to find this out is by listening. This is the one skill that transcends all others and the good thing about it is that it can be used in any modality that we choose at any time.
It can lead to a rare window of opportunity. If we seize the moment, make a decision, and go through the window, it may bring substantial change in our lives. If we don’t – then the opportunity might not come around again too soon.
Most people who (as we subjectively say) live their lives to the full are good at first identifying and then seizing such moments. The saying what’s meant for you won’t pass you is relevant here.
I am sure that you have heard of the term wow moment, i.e. a really good idea, an unexpected breakthrough, a burst of creativity or a high that we do not experience that often.
The confidence of people who are good at seizing the moment allows them take a risk without it being a foolhardy risk.
I believe that the best way of inducing, or encouraging the emergence of a wow moment in someone is to listen, give respectful and helpful feedback, and enable the process of growth rather than hand someone a solution.
In other words, allow them to be.
Listening is empowering and even inspiring.
It is empowering because the person hears their own voice (kind of like thinking out loud) and this allows them to reflect on what they have just said.
It is inspiring because if the courage to change comes from decisions that are made within – not from the outside – they will inspire the self to do more – and will also, by the way, inspire others.
In the Chapter on the Family Support Shamrock I give many reasons why Projects that are specifically set up to assist people in deep distress can drift to a more amenable group of people. I believe that many of those reasons are due to individual practitioners’ (and by extension organisations’) inability or unwillingness to therapeutically hold the discomfort that comes with suffering.
The reason that it is so difficult to hold discomfort is, I believe, because it involves listening – and just listening, with no agenda for change or progress. Respectful, attentive listening is the essence of unconditional positive regard.
It does not demand progress.
Choosing to listen accepts that there is a kind of plateau that we reach in growth. That is, we come to a limit, an equilibrium where the force pushed from behind that causes us to change is matched by the force encountered in front of us that inhibits further change.
Or, to put it another way, that the longing or urge to change, pushing us forward, is matched by the force pulling us back. The result is that no movement takes place either way.
And in this no change scenario, what determines each person’s limit?
Perhaps pondering on what we have to lose determines it. Or perhaps there is a deeper element, i.e. we learned at (and from) a young age that this is all the happiness that we deserve and so powerful was the message that we are finding it hard to contradict it.
I asked myself writing this Chapter do practitioners in the helping professions really listen, having no agenda but the sole purpose of listening, and placing their trust in the root foundations?
I concluded that if listening is done by teachers, nurses, care workers, doctors, pharmacists, etc. it is firstly limited to what goal can be achieved and also is (probably) an added bonus. All those professionals might choose to do their job without taking time to listen. In fact some might argue that if they listened too much they might not be able to do their job at all.
But good enough family support workers assume that the healing process lies within and is based on choices that we make and then take responsibility for. This is completely different to the academic or medical model and in the long term can be a lot more challenging.
As I mentioned at the very start, (and it is appropriate to repeat it here), attentive, respectful listening is rarely experienced by people who suffer multiple disadvantage in our society.