In this post I describe the difference between objective and subjective. (I also discussed the difference in the Chapter on Cause and Effect, in ways of describing the Sun).
If an entire childhood is dominated by experiences as described in the previous post the accompanying feelings are hard to shake off when we are adults.
Adults who were once children whose experience of attachment was disorganised often live on high alert and are highly tuned to the smallest nuance of disapproval because disapproval implies at least ridicule, maybe rejection, and possibly physical punishment and resultant physical and emotional pain, as I explained here.
Now, as an adult, if objective logic challenges a subjective view of my situation the logic is perceived as threatening because of the stake that I have in not being wrong – and indeed how dangerous it is to be wrong.
The only way that I learned to have power is to either keep vagueness to the fore, or agree with the objective logic because a more powerful (or knowledgeable or educated) person says it, and pretend to go along with the objective logic, but secretly maintain a subjective view.
Even the simplest direct query that might threaten this power can be perceived as meaningless, or even an attack…..
Now, in ordinary day-to-day life, if I am a normal reasonably well-adjusted person there are times when I might temporarily suspend reality and reject rational argument (i.e. objective logic).
These times would usually be when I am highly charged with emotion.
Examples could be when I am having an angry tantrum, when I am transfixed with fear, consumed with anxiety, or, during or immediately after either a tragic event or indeed the opposite, a highly joyful or pleasurable event, or falling in love, or becoming infatuated with someone or something. When the event has passed the emotional waves reduce in size until they are mere ripples and rationality returns.
I propose here that if I have experienced disorganised attachment as a child, and it remains unresolved, and I find myself in a particular situation – including a situation where I am actually looking for help – I can feel very threatened by objective logic. I may default very quickly to the familiar state of highly charged emotion and/or a state of temporary suspension of reality, or both. In such situations I can devise my own logic. I find it almost impossible to take things lightly or accept reason and I may be so well-practiced at concealing my true feelings (such as disapproval of the powerful decision-maker) that I am not even aware of it myself.
Practitioners who are hung up on linear growth or progression sometimes regard people who always default to an angry place, and are not making discernible, measurable or recognisable improvement as stuck. (See bottom of this post too).
This, of course, is a very subjective statement.
The person seeking help probably regards the practitioner as stuck in their misunderstanding of his situation.
And who is right?