We have already discussed, in some depth in the previous Chapter, the root foundations of growth, and stated that they apply to all of us!
What about the grandiose (or vulnerable) narcissist who dissociates under pressure and is carrying a lot of trauma that he is unaware of himself?
Where do the root foundations fit in for him (or her)?
We will look at the implications in respect of the root foundations here before we explore strategies for healing – and remember that this is like wondering how universal phenomena in the natural world (like gravity, mass etc.) behave in extremes of temperature, pressure, velocity etc.
I believe that integration is the biggest challenge for the very hurt person who has narcissistic tendencies. This is worth looking at a little more because integration is one of the root foundations.
When we are little children, integration happens naturally. We realise, as we grow, that when we take on a role in a game then it is a game that we are playing, and there is a time and place for it, and when we are at school (or as older teenagers, or young adults, perhaps at work or college) our role has to be different.
If we get upset, or angry, or afraid we learn to own our emotions and while they are very real for us, a part of us knows that there will come a time when the upset, or anger, or fear will pass. And it does! This is integration at work. At the extremes of trauma, however, where dissociation endures into teenage years and adulthood, our natural process of integration is continually disrupted, so it is one the most important tasks to work on.
From what is written above, it is obvious that identity will be problematic for people who tend to dissociate when under emotional pressure.
The sense of belonging that is perceived by all humans in the good enough family is a most important part of forming our firm, unequivocal identity. Being accepted in our community, school, clubs and societies etc. builds on the sense of belonging in the family and further cements our identity or sense of self.
This is why inculcation of a sense of belonging is so important in our work with vulnerable people.
Confidence, esteem and pride thrive in a sense of belonging. It is obvious that isolation which may result from insecure disorganised attachment in our family and thereafter rejection by school and community might hinder formation of identity.
Continuing with our consideration of the root foundations, forming warm, trusting and intimate relationships may be fraught with danger for the very hurt person. From our knowledge of the enduring effects of disorganised attachment, we can conclude that early experiences of intimate relationship, and/or love, were problematic. Even if not fraught with danger, love may have been conditional on achieving impossible standards. Being loved unconditionally is very unfamiliar – so it is natural that it is viewed with suspicion.
But in particular, love and relationship were inconsistent………
Research (and common sense) shows that relationship is the most important factor in bringing about healing in the very hurt person. But it has to be consistent and reliable. Like love, many very hurt people are suspicious of trust – thinking that it will result in exploitation or being used and/or abused – because this is what happened before.
Building and maintaining warm, trusting and respectful relationships will be a big challenge for practitioners because we will be constantly tested to see if we are sincere.
Let us examine another root foundation now – consciousness.
Our consciousness ensures that we are able to be aware of self. If we say that we did something unconsciously it means that we were not aware, prior to doing it, that we were going to do it. We may only become aware of our decision to do it afterwards – or, if we are not alerted to it, (or we don’t realise it ourselves) our actions may stay forever in our unconscious – in other words, we may never be consciously aware of how we have behaved.
Now this is not a bad thing per se, we generally live our lives doing all sorts of things unconsciously and this is how our personality is formed and how we become known to others.
However, that said, a balanced level of conscious awareness is important for our growth so our actions will, generally, be in keeping with our values and what we say is important to us. Raising someone’s awareness that what they are doing unconsciously is destructive to their overall aim to be loved, respected and valued requires skillful relationship building and inculcation of trust.
What about another root foundation, emergence?
We cannot imagine humans, (and families, communities and societies) without emergence. No matter what we do – emergence will happen. What might emerge may contribute to our well-being and thereafter the well-being of all those around us or it can contribute to negativity and destruction.
(For example in the Chapter on Power and Control in Society I described how the two major World Wars of the Twentieth Century emerged from whatever conditions prevailed in Europe in the 19th Century and the early decades of the 20th).
So desperate is our need for integration and identity (but particularly identity) that we can, (when we are children – and particularly as we grow into teens) attach ourselves to something that is bad for us, thereby copper-fastening our identity. What might then emerge may be harmful and destructive traits that become part of who we are.
However it is my firm belief that when we realise that there are options for us, and that we do not have to be that which we appear to have been predestined to be by virtue of birth or family circumstance, constructive rather than destructive choices will emerge, slowly but surely, as the preferred options over time.
Finally, and in the context of slowly but surely, let us consider the foundation root that straddles the natural/physical world and the world of the psyche. That is, time!
We may think that, if we undertake say, 50 sessions, over a year, and there is no obvious change for the better (viewed from our practitioner perspective) that we have wasted time. It is only natural that our enthusiasm will begin to fade somewhat.
We are so accustomed to considering time as something that has to be used to bring about change for the better in a stepped (or linear) way that we may be on a totally different path to the very hurt person looking for help – who could be totally oblivious to time passing, and does not have any progress-over-time-interval plan for herself at all [1].
It is in the fostering of conditions that allow the root foundations to grow at their own pace where leadership comes in, to which a full Chapter is devoted in Section Five.
[1]. I am not disparaging the very valuable and highly effective cognitive-behavioural work that can be done with people in the mainstream population to ease distress. But for many individuals in our Focus Group who are suffering deeply I have found work which has expectations around time to of very limited use. This will be explored in the next Chapter, Modalities of Helping in far more depth.