The previous Sub-Chapters have described how a person who suffers trauma as an infant (or even in the womb) and grows up in a family where insecure, ambivalent, avoidant and in particular disorganised attachment prevails, might choose to dissociate for self-protection – which then becomes a pattern in her life.
That is, as she grows, she learns that the only way to stay safe is to grow rigid armour that will, in turn, put her at high risk of developing characteristics that are displayed to the world as unhealthy narcissism – whether vulnerable or grandiose.
Of course there are many, many people who have been traumatised by experiences in their lives, and who may dissociate from time to time for self-protection but are also reflective and self-aware, and are not at all narcissistic – but we will focus on healing strategies for the ones who tend towards unhealthy narcissism in this Sub-Chapter.
It makes sense that exploring and gaining insight into patterns of attachment will give us clues as to how to find such strategies!
Very hurt people who have, as I stated above, grown rigid armour may cause a lot of suffering to their loved ones – dispensing the pain that they cannot hold – and of course they will undoubtedly suffer themselves – and the suffering seems never-ending.
I have observed, over many years of work, that vulnerable narcissists seem to be better placed in respect of emotional healing because, at least, they may be in touch with their feelings. Ordinary people seem to be impressed by grandiose narcissists – remember they can be very charming. The praise and/or admiration can lead to constant affirmation of traits that are actually harmful to healing.
The constantly-complaining vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, may not be popular in the hail-fellow-well-met meaning of the term, so when they are truly listened to, and experience unconditional positive regard they often find it healing in itself.
Getting back to the grandiose types, when they look for, or are offered support, they can either be very demanding or else totally passive-aggressive compliant – that is, pretending to agree but doing something to jeapordise whatever has been agreed on. Also – and this is another observation based on years of experience – they may tend towards addictive behaviour. (The addiction may not be drink/drugs, they might, for example, be workaholics).
There is a temptation for practitioners to feel that only for them we’d be able to do good work and focus on people who appreciate our help. (I know – I’ve been that practitioner)! This leads to them being marginalised and ignored, and ultimately they drift away from the organisation that is set up to help them. (See this post in the Chapter on the Family Support Shamrock for more detail on this process).
However, I believe that the consequences of leaving such people out are very high.
Their increased isolation almost always fuels their sense of hurt and affirms their beliefs that it is someone else’s fault as they see others getting help while they are ignored.
At least, when engaged, they will often coach themselves to (kind of) go through the motions of behaving democratically, and the constant self-coaching that results from ongoing engagement has the potential (however slow) to change attitudes and outlook over time. (This is a kind of fake-it-till-you-make-it process).
Also, we know from systems theory that if others change around them they will be affected. Sometimes they will embrace the changes but sometimes the changes are too much for them to take and they will abandon the new scene and revert to their comfort zone.
Good enough support usually involves introducing healthy limits and boundaries. It is important to add here that the stronger and more trusting the relationship is, the more likely it is that people will feel the deep hurt of not getting their own way and be more accepting of such limits and boundaries.
In the Sub-Chapters above I referred to behaviours of very hurt, traumatised people in a general way. I also mentioned how trauma finds its way into teams.
In the next few posts I will try to unpack some of the general behaviours. As always, and in keeping with our commitment to be the change, I encourage us all, in addition to recognising narcissistic traits in organisations that we know of, and/or people we support or work with etc., to identify such traits in (shudder to think of it) ourselves!
The next two posts will focus on the impact on individuals and teams.