Avoidant implies just what is says – parents avoid close contact.
It is different to the ambivalent (described in the previous post) where parents may be demanding, strict or harsh disciplinarians, but at least children know that they are interested in them and emotionally involved.
In avoidance, intimate contact is avoided and emotional matters are kept at a distance.
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In avoidant attachment, as parents, we find it difficult to meet our children’s needs – we are simply too needy ourselves. Unwittingly, our behaviour may be rejecting of our children, or we may sometimes (usually unintentionally) ignore our children. These patterns probably run through the extended family also. While some members of our extended family may be very needy there are always those who are strong and resilient, and can see the harm that the overall level of neediness is doing. (These could be the wise and strong people referenced in this post when describing the Focus Group).
If we are children who are avoidant and/or insecure we grow up avoiding intimacy and relationship, even with our own parents or carers. Because we do not feel accepted or that our parents are genuinely interested in us, we might not seek out our parents’ love or comfort if we are in distress – this is the avoidance bit. (This theme will be touched on again in Section Three in the Chapter on Symmetry). We may also be indifferent as to whether it is a parent or a stranger meets our needs.
As adults we might find intimacy and close relationships problematic. We may feel that we are investing a lot and getting little return. As we find sharing feelings and thoughts difficult, how-it-looks-to-the-world can be as important in sustaining a relationship as the depth of the feelings.