Ambivalence implies doubt, mixed feelings, or having difficulty making a choice. In the attachment context – it implies uncertainty about whether I will be loved or not. For example I might believe that if I try really hard all the time I’ll be up to the standard demanded of me, and only then will I deserve to be loved.
There are a lot of shoulds in ambivalent attachment. (Like, I should love my Dad but I’m angry with him all the time because he makes so many demands on me). The paragraphs below will shed some light on this ambivalence.
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With ambivalent attachment, if we are parents we tend to over-control, we doubt that our children will thrive without constant direction, and we are fearful about their growth, development and overall progress. We might be inhibited about play – perhaps deeming it to be a waste of valuable time, and focus on what we should be doing as parents.
We strive for perfection, and may be critical of our own performance. We tend to blame someone if something goes wrong and we may take life very seriously. It is likely that supply of love in our extended family is conditional on who behaves in what way, and some members may be in conflict with others over historical issues that never seem to be resolved.
If we are children in ambivalently attached situations we tend to be infants who are fearful about exploring, be in distress about minor matters, and more anxious and suspicious of strangers. When we are older we might be clingy and find it hard to be independent. We may worry about exams and never being good enough, and (perhaps) work very hard but find it hard to concentrate or absorb material.
As adults in this category we can experience difficulties in relationships and though dutiful and loyal, find it hard to be close to others. If we break up it will involve blame mixed with being not good enough. We may be distraught with ending of relationships, partially because of our sense of failure. We may worry a lot about our job, getting it right, who’s being promoted, who’s not, disciplinary matters etc.