Secure is just what it says – secure! I propose that this is the most important style for us to know about because it is what we are aiming for in families and I will describe it below.
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If we are parents, secure attachment means that we react quickly (and appropriately) to our infants’ needs and we are generally responsive. We also tend to play a lot with our children, and enjoy playing in general. We tend to be content to be good enough as parents, in that we accept our imperfections. If we (parents) are at our ease within, and/or are surrounded by, a loving, accepting extended family, it is obvious that it will optimise secure attachment among grandchildren, nieces, nephews etc.
An interesting aspect of secure attachment is that it gives us permission to be critical of our family (or indeed our homeland [1]) in a constructive way. We may find it difficult to be critical if we are not.
If we are children, and we experience secure attachment, we tend to be more empathic with others’ needs, in particular during later stages of childhood. We will generally mature and develop as expected and will display age appropriate responsibility.
Empathy is very important for development of positive, healthy and reciprocal relationships, and is linked to a child’s ability to mentalise. That is, imagine and/or predict what others might be thinking from observing things like facial expression, tone of voice etc., and ponder on the affect our own thinking is having on both ourselves and our environment.
(Just as an aside – studies have shown that in children that grow up in war zones, the trauma experienced by the child is ameliorated by the love and protection offered by parents and whether or not it is consistently available).
One indication of secure attachment is that (as children) we learn how to soothe ourselves when something goes against us. This is resilience-in-action – bouncing back and trying again, keeping our protective layer flexible, there being less need to grow the rigid armour referred to in the post describing how we protect ourselves from trauma.
As adults, if we have experienced secure attachment in our home growing up, we tend to trust more, and be able to sustain the ups and downs of long-term relationships. We also tend to have good enough self-esteem and enjoy intimacy in relationships. We can seek out help and support if we need it, and have willingness to be honest about what we might perceive to be our shortcomings.
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When I think of secure attachment, I think of fertile soil where roots can grow deep and strong to ensure a sturdy and long-living tree, or a good foundation of a house, that will ensure that the house will remain standing.
And one of the reasons that I used the term root foundations in the Chapter on the Universal Theories Of Change is that secure attachment enables them to flourish.
[1]. This finding, on the surface, might lead one to believe that in Ireland we are, generally, securely attached and have a sense of belonging to our homeland, as we certainly do not appear to have a problem criticising our past. But, it appears to be far more difficult to be critical of the present – perhaps we (unconsciously) feel ashamed and guilty when we think of all we could be doing for vulnerable members of our society but, because of our economic choices, don’t. All the soul searching, enquiries, revelations etc. might in the long run be a good thing. It can, however, bring a lot of shame and guilt which I believe we need to process as a country. Perhaps the processing will enable us, over time, to be (constructively) critical of the present as well as the past, which (as the saying goes) is a different country!