Following on from the previous post, it is clear to see that our goals are very often in conflict.
What I mean is that your goal may hinder me in achieving my goal, so your efforts to achieve your goal may be resisted by me. For example my desire to get a job may be hindered by your ability (and ambition, i.e desire) to get the same job. In society, (just like in the animal or plant world) there is really no state of peace or equilibrium where we are all happy all the time. (Remember I mentioned in the Chapter on Cause and Effect that learning new skills has an effect on our environment as much as having an effect on ourselves).
We are in a constant state of adaptation to changes made by others, and we modify others’ environments, urging them to change too. (For example, as parents we adapt to our child learning to cycle and then put pressure on her to modify her behaviour e.g. cycle safely).
All living things, from the single cell creature to the human are in a kind of ongoing continual mutual adaptation without which we would not have evolved from primitive single-cell life to what we are today.
As practitioners supporting families in the Focus Group the continual conflict described above seems to be in opposition to what our goal is with families, that is, pursuit of a win-win situation.
If we say that we are in a constant state of adaptation because of changes by others, what about Dad that is released from prison coming back into the family where Mam has changed norms and practices of the family to the extent that she now doesn’t want Dad’s influence – which she regards as destructive?
After all, in situations where, for example, two parents are in deep conflict and this is having a harmful effect on the children, surely a win-win situation is what is most desired? No one really wants to lose yet this is what seems inevitable if one person’s wishes, (which, from our point of view, might be more beneficial to the children), will prevail. (That is, in the example above, Mam will win and the Dad will lose).
In struggling with situations like this in the real world it is worth remembering that most of us are programmed to believe that if we don’t achieve our goal, or impose our will on others, we lose.
This is where a well-trained and self-aware practitioner can reframe losing, or not getting my way as reaching a limit situation [1], or a boundary, which is not the same, qualitatively, as losing though indeed it sometimes feels the same!
It is the level of skill in re-framing – that is, looking at the situation from a different perspective – that can make the difference.
[1]. Further reading on limit situations may be worthwhile. The term is mostly attributed to the theologian and philosopher Paul Tillich to describe the angst at not getting one’s own way in the world. The ability to accept a limit situation is a crucial developmental stage of growth in childhood. In my experience, many people who go to prison struggle with limit situations.