Here are the characteristics of the families in the Focus Group – the term that I introduced in the previous post.
IMPORTANT NOTE: I have tried, in these descriptions, to reflect the realities of the circumstances of families that I have experienced over many decades, as well as being respectful and measured. The last thing that I’d want is to exaggerate or be sensational.
Yet I believe that it is important, no matter what problem we are trying to address, that we reflect reality – where something is at – rather than pretend that it is the way we’d like it to be.
Now many families have some of these characteristics, and some will have many, but people (like me) who ply our trade in this area of work will encounter families that have all of them.
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If I am a child growing up in a family in the Focus Group:
1. Addiction: I will observe that one or more members of my family are affected by addiction [1], some more severely than others. This will, almost always, interfere with our happiness and contentment. I may also know that some of my family are involved in drug dealing, violence, and even serious crime. In addition to members’ addiction causing mayhem and havoc in the community and bringing shame and guilt to my family, the harmful effects of addiction are ever-present. If I am in my early teenage years I may be getting involved myself.
2. Education: It is probable that my older siblings left school early and I’m finding the going tough myself! My parents and grandparents also left school early. I do not have a plan, when I leave school, to get a job, join a club, or involve myself in other education. Rather, I find companionship and belonging among other young people who also have left school early. Sometimes my behaviour causes me to be excluded from school and because of this I may be diagnosed with ADHD [2] (or similar conditions) – so I have special needs and get extra help. But usually, my parents do not have the energy, skills or know-how to ensure that I attend school, help with homework, or that a culture of school attendance is fostered. If I am a member of the Travelling Community it may be that school has little or no meaning for me.
3. Housing: My parents (or parent) find it difficult to access good quality housing. Our family may be homeless, or may have been in the past, and I can sense my parents’ anxiety about ending up homeless. Sometimes, when we find a place to live, I have no private space (or nowadays, I may live in a hotel room). Sometimes we have to move because of intimidation, i.e., the safety of our home may be under threat because of members being on drugs, or debts of family members. Frequent moving is another feature of my life. I may change schools a lot, have to make new friends, and I do not have a secure base; (I’ll be describing this term more fully in the Sub-Chapter on Attachment later).
4. Violence: Sadly, I may observe and experience violence (including sexual violence and inappropriate sexual behaviour) within my family. Sometimes violent outbursts are unexpected and may follow bouts of drinking. My personal space is not respected and because of this, I am often fearful and anxious, and live on high alert a lot of the time. I may experience trauma and my Mam’s (or Dad’s) mood can change from anger to love and back again for, seemingly, no apparent reason. I am often confused because of this – as I try to predict what mood they’ll be in. I develop skills to keep myself safe that might work against me in school or with friends. Generally, no-one outside the family knows about this violence.
5. Tragedy: I may frequently experience tragedy and loss including suicide, murder, drugs overdoses, or serious accidents in my family and extended family. We might not have learned skills to soothe, or emotionally support each other, so the losses might be intensified by angry outbursts, rage, blame, harsh criticism, controlling behaviour and a high level of fear. When people are blaming each other, I don’t know what side to take. I’m not aware that anger is part of normal grieving process anyway, and is heightened following loss that is unexpected, as many of the tragedies are.
6. Illness: I (and my siblings) may have ongoing and chronic health difficulties including, as I get older, mental health. I may observe members of my family choosing lifestyles that lead to poor health. In my family, adults die younger than in the general population because of onset of serious illnesses and the unhealthy lifestyles led. I don’t know anyone who can afford to buy health insurance or pay for private healthcare, so if any of us are ill, or have ongoing health issues, we (mostly) experience long waits for medical attention.
7. Poverty: From a young age I realise, somehow or another, that we are very poor financially. My parents may be in debt to illegal moneylenders and if moneylenders change the goalposts, so to speak, or threaten us, we never go the Guards! I might see my parents hiding in our house because they are behind on bills. I am afraid that electricity will be turned off, or we’ll have no fuel for heat. The only way we have of getting money is the dole and other allowances given to poor families. Sometimes collecting what we are entitled to can be humiliating. Some members of my family and relatives may be involved in illegal methods of gaining an income, either directly, through drug dealing, crime etc., or indirectly, receiving, buying/selling stolen goods.
8. Isolation: I sense that our family is isolated even within the community that we live in [3]. There is a lot of distrust and fear around, and this makes the isolation worse. My parents are often suspicious of the motives (and often avoid, and are then avoided by) organisations that are set up to assist families like mine. Sometimes this excludes me from things that I see other children enjoying. I get used to hiding things about our family from people in organisations such as schools, youth clubs and the like. I also know that certain members of my family are feared and as I grow older I notice that families like mine are insulted and offended in the newspapers, radio and television – heightening the sense of isolation.
——-and finally
9. Imprisonment: Visiting prison is a very common experience in my family [4]. It’s no big deal, it’s just another thing we do! Older relatives (parents, uncles, aunts) may have been in prison down through the years. I regularly visit (or have visited) some of them in prison, particularly if they are my parents. People in my extended family have been in detention centres and other institutions over a few generations. Some others may have been in State care as children, and I know adults whose children are in care.
Also, imprisonment is something that our families have in common with other families in the Focus Group. We know a lot about prisons in general, and courts, probation etc. I become knowledgeable, from a young age, about all these and even the legal system. We get to know which judges are fair and which governors, officers are sound and in which prisons they are serving etc.
But, through all 1 to 9 above, because of our great spirit, and because families are families, we can have great fun and a sense of togetherness and friendship, which sustains us through the difficult circumstances we find ourselves in. And I learn many useful coping skills on the journey of life. For example, mutual support, endurance, calming volatile situations, wisdom, an intuitive sense of impending danger, dealing with uncertainty and imperfection, among others.
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The great-spirit theme will be expanded considerably in this post where I offer some good news!
ANOTHER IMPORTANT NOTE: In the website, when I mention the Focus Group, I am referring to families that have most or all of the characteristics that I attempted to describe as a child in 1 – 9 above.
[1]. Someone told me recently that the term addiction is being phased out in some modern literature. However, if you are, or have been a misuser of drugs or alcohol, I hope that you will forgive me my little bit of political incorrectness in using the label addict. I use the term because I believe that all community workers and/or family members have both a cognitive understanding and a felt sense of what an addict, or addiction is, whereas we might not have the same depth of understanding of what the politically correct substitute is. Also, it is a broad term that will cover workaholism, gambling, eating problems, obsessive practices, and similar behaviours.
[2]. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
[3]. This is evident in much research – e.g. Voices of Families Affected by Imprisonment by Bedford Row Family Project.
[4]. Fr. Peter McVerry, who works for and with homeless people states (very perceptively) that probably the only Government funded public service available to the poor for which there is no waiting list is prison. Indeed, prisons are so familiar to our Focus Group that I have identified them as places that have significant potential in respect of support for prisoners and their families. In fact, they already are – and (potentially) how will be described elsewhere in the website.